The Glimmers We Teach Ourselves to See
Today is World Gratitude Day.
I saw a post at work today about gratitude that made me think about a concept I first encountered through the work of Deb Dana: Glimmers.
Dana, a clinician and one of the leading translators of Polyvagal Theory, coined the term glimmers in her book, The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy. She describes them as the small moments that cue safety, connection, or joy to our nervous system. Her more recent Glimmers Journal is devoted entirely to learning to notice and savor them.
Glimmers aren't always extraordinary. Sometimes they're:
The sunlight through a window.
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The first sip of coffee.
A song you love unexpectedly playing.
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Someone remembering you!
The dog putting their head in your lap.
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A coworker making you laugh in the middle of a difficult day.
For a nervous system that is constantly assessing the environment, these little moments really do matter. Through a Polyvagal lens, glimmers are cues that tell the nervous system: there is safety here; there is connection here; I can soften here. Dana's work describes the noticing and naming of glimmers as a way of helping the nervous system become increasingly open to these moments.
But there is another layer to this that really fascinates me.
What happens when we do more than just notice the glimmer and decided to stay with it?
We are very good at noticing what goes wrong.
There is a reason that a frustrating email can occupy our thoughts for hours while the kind comment someone made that morning disappears almost immediately.
Our attention <> neutral.
Psychologist Rick Hanson has written extensively about what is often called the brain's negativity bias which is our tendency to give disproportionate attention and memory to unpleasant or threatening experiences. His wonderfully memorable shorthand is that the brain can behave like “Velcro” for negative experiences while positive ones slide away much more easily.
No, this doesn't mean we should pretend difficult things aren't happening.
That's one reason I love the idea of glimmers.
A glimmer doesn't ask us to deny the trigger exists.
Both can be true.
I can be having a hard day and notice the sunlight coming through the trees.
I can be grieving and laugh at something ridiculous.
I can be overwhelmed at work and feel genuinely cared for when someone checks on me.
I don't have to turn one into the other. I can simply allow my nervous system to register that the difficult thing isn't the only thing happening.
Don't just notice the good. Let it land.
This is where I think gratitude practices can become much more interesting.
Instead of simply making a list:
I'm grateful for my family.
I'm grateful for my job.
I'm grateful for my health.
Try noticing an actual moment.
Then stay there.
Rick Hanson calls this practice “taking in the good.” Rather than allowing a pleasant experience to flash by, he suggests letting yourself experience it for 10, 20, or even 30 seconds. Notice how it feels. Let your attention remain there. Let your body participate in the experience rather than immediately rushing to whatever comes next.
Why?
Because experience changes us through repetition.
You see, neuroplasticity isn't a magical switch that flips at second 20. What we repeatedly attend to, experience, and learn from, can strengthen neural patterns over time. Hanson describes the practice as deliberately helping positive experiences become part of our implicit learning instead of allowing them to disappear almost as soon as they happen.
That gives us a different way of thinking about gratitude.
Gratitude isn't only something we think. It can be something we practice noticing.
The act of telling someone.
This may be my favorite part. Suppose your glimmer was another person.
Someone made you laugh.
Someone noticed you were struggling.
Someone made you coffee.
Someone answered the question you were afraid was stupid.
Someone gave you five minutes of their time when they absolutely didn't have five minutes.
Instead of merely thinking, Oh, that was nice, tell them.
First, you noticed the experience.
Then you paused long enough to feel it.
Then you recalled it.
Then you put it into words.
And then you shared it with another human being.
You have given your attention to that moment several times instead of letting it disappear into the background of your day.
Maybe, just maybe, you've become their glimmer, too.
What we practice noticing.
Sometimes conversations about changing our beliefs make it sound as though we can simply decide to think differently. However, I don't think it's quite that simple.
Our beliefs are influenced by accumulated experiences, expectations, memories and patterns of attention. Changing them isn't merely repeating a better sentence to ourselves. Sure, an affirmation can get you started, and we can become curious about what evidence we're collecting.
If my attention is constantly scanning for evidence that people are inconsiderate, work is miserable, nothing ever works out, or the world is unsafe, I'm going to find plenty of supporting material.
Some of it will be true. The invitation isn't a denial. Instead, it's an invitation to ask:
What else is true?
Who was kind today?
Where did I feel safe?
What made me smile?
When did my shoulders drop?
What surprised me in a good way?
Where did I feel connected?
What tiny thing made today a little easier?
Look, all of the above can be moments that are very real. Gratitude isn't simply convincing ourselves that everything is wonderful. It's more of our becoming better witnesses to the whole of our experience. Especially the difficult and ordinary moments. They are present with those tiny flashes of safety, connection, ease and joy that Deb Dana gave such a beautiful name: Glimmers.
So for World Gratitude Day, rather than asking only What am I grateful for?, I'm playing with a slightly different question:
What glimmer did I notice today?
Then:
Can I stay with it long enough to let myself actually experience it?
I'd like to believe the practice isn't simply looking on the bright side.
It's teaching us not to miss the light that's already there.
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